I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
