my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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