you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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