and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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