i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
