I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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