I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
