i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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