I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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