I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
