I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
