My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
