he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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