he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
