If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
