Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
