how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
