I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
