I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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