somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
