that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
