No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think my moral compass just broke
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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