today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
