I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
