If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
