burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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