I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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