SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
