Do you still have your period?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
