You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
