Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
