Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
