it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I want her autograph on my taint
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
