I just pynch a tree in the face
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
