I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
