She is in my trunk
someone threw a dead crab at me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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