when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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