hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
