so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize