I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
