Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
