Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
