The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Boobs speak an international language.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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