these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
