honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
