I faked an abortion last night.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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