There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
