So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
