"it" just moved
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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