Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
