please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
