The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
