My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Randomize
