Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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