Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
