A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
