im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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