Pants 0. Shit 1.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
