On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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