just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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