a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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