Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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