Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
