I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
