I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
